God Grant Me Chutzpah…

Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I have grown timid in my old age. I think it came from years of trying to ward off all those voices in my head that scolded me with, "Baaaad Mother…" I don't think you can be anything worse than a "Baaaaaad Mother…" and when you are in a custody battle for your kids, you're certain there's an invisible set of eyes always observing, measuring and judging your parenting in this competition for who is going to 'get' the kids. It is insane. I'm glad it's over. One day, I simply surrendered and yelled at that invisible finger-wagger in the sky, Alright already! It's true. I don't bake cookies. I don't belong to the PTA. It's true, I'm a baaaaaadddddd mother! I admit it! I'll never be June Cleaver! Whew! Was that ever a load off of my back... I'm sure the driver in the car next to me was a little nervous, but I felt great after that.

Yet, along the way, I started behaving myself. That was probably a good thing—like the taming of the shrew. But I shrunk. Grew timid. That is not a good thing. It isn't me. I'm kick-ass country music and periwinkle blue. I'm lava running down mountains and a crescendo in D major. I am Jerusalem and the thrill in your stomach coming over the top of a roller coaster. That's who I've always been, even as I've grown quieter in my old age. The impulse for the bold broad strokes hasn't faded because I am older. You can see it in my painting. I never said anyone ever tamed me. So now, when our lives call for more chutzpah—can I pull it out of the dusty bins of old costumes and find one that still fits?

My son said, below, I was '52 with only my two kids to my name'—ah, but what kids! I say, I'm RICHER than I could ever dream of being… He doesn't realize that love is so very precious. It's been his atmosphere. You don't notice the air you breathe. He doesn't realize that we don't have to love our relatives. They are just the people we got stuck with. Look at my family, for example… scattered to the four corners of the globe...like we couldn't get far enough away from each other. We all really love each other but we go years without calling... So, the fact that I have two kids, whom I love madly, and who love me too and let me know it--that's a miracle. Pretty big dream, Goethe… Pretty bold stroke…. For us, it's just part of the atmosphere….One Christmas, my daughter gave me a pillow embroidered with the saying: I smile because you're my mother, I laugh because there's nothing you can do about it…

So it is time start misbehavin' again... Maybe we can move the hearts of man.

Copyright © 2009 Stephanie Ericsson All Rights Reserved