The thought of moving into a shelter makes me suicidal. I've received several emails from concerned people, with suggestions of things to do, and I realize that it may appear that I've just sat in my apartment chewing my nails... So, if anyone is reading this, I just want to say that I haven't been idle— I've tried and am still trying the obvious methods – calling 2-1-1, Salvation Army, etc. (Please doesn't even mention the Urban League...see earlier posting...) I can hardly breathe—I am so scared right now. I have to post early because there is too much to do. A nice letter mentioned that I may be grieving and it might be making me dysfunctional... it's totally accurate. But, don't even crack open that door right now...I just don't have the time to fall apart, so I have to settle for limping around in the shape I'm in. And what is that shape?? At every minute in the day, I have tears trying to get out of my eyes. I have shame that I have to reach out in public and bear my soul. I have terror that keeps me from sleeping and makes every part of my body hurt. I cannot remember what it was like to laugh without either tears or black humor. I'm sick with worry about my son, who more and more is taking to trying to take care of me. Yesterday, he told his father in therapy, he wanted to live full time with me... Oh God! There are tiny rays of hope coming from some responses in Twitter, angels who are cheering me on, a few who've sent small donations, but I can't help fearing that there is no hope. It's taking every bit of courage I have not to collapse and go silent. To be needy is the most gawd-awful position I've ever been in. How people do it with dignity, I don't know! Sorry to indulge myself here, but that is all I have today. Got to go now. Too much to do and it's going to be soooo hot and humid today. If there is anybody out there, please, pray for me because right now, I really can't pray for myself...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Countdown to Homelessness...Day 7
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I can empathize with all of the emotions you are experiencing... particularly the stress.
ReplyDeleteWhen I realized that I was on the verge of becoming homeless, I did everything I could think of to prevent, or at least ameliorate, it.
I went through the downsizing; selling off personal items; trying to figure out who might be willing to take me in for a while without my feeling as though I were becoming a burden to them... but in the end, found myself on the front steps of the local homeless shelter.
During the 26 months I experienced homelessness in my community, there were times when I would go through my days without hope for the future. The only thing which kept me from giving up was being able to stave off the onset of despair.
Although it took time, in the end I was able to rebuild my life.
I will most certainly keep you in my prayers... and will hope for the best for you and your son.
It means SO MUCH to hear from you and others who have shared their experiences of really BEING THERE, not just imagining it. Especially today. Today I am so terrified I can hardly move. Every time I pick up the phone, my throat closes and I start crying so that it's impossible for me to talk.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your prayers.
Stephanie
You are praying. Your blog is a prayer. Just ask the Lord God to hear it and help.
ReplyDeleteTo navigate the system, go to your Government County office. Social workers there will help. I know because they've helped me.
May the Lord fill with peace today and show you the way to go.
Peaches, thank you.
ReplyDelete